I went dark a week ago. I went dark because the cancer may be back and I didn't know what to say. I went dark because it felt disingenuous not to tell you about all the tests and my fear that the cancer had returned. But I didn't know what to say so I said nothing. I didn't know how to explain the state of disbelief that surrounds me. How I keep thinking there must be some mistake and yet, each test returns inconclusive so another one is ordered.
I had a biopsy yesterday, the results of which, won't return for two weeks. Yes, two weeks, an interminable length of time in this day and age of space travel and the Internet. But I wait with the Sword of Damocles hanging over my head. Even as I write those words I feel a bit melodramatic because I feel fine. Tired occasionally but who isn't in our society? So I take the tests and I wait.
My inner dialogue goes from "you aren't sick today so keep moving" to "something must be wrong because the tests show something is happening" to Scarlet O'Hara's "I'll think about that tomorrow". Actually, I am beginning to think that Scarlet may have been on to something. I am working to silence the negative self-talk and embrace the positive and empowering affirmations. Life's just happier that way.
So that's the latest. I will keep you posted. I would love to hear from you. What kept you going during a health crisis? How did you handle waiting for test results? What affirmations kept you strong?
Hugs,
C