We sat at the dining room table looking at all the jewelry my mother had collected over her lifetime. Several pieces evoked special memories that we shared with one another. Unbeknownst to us, Mom had saved our infant wristbands, blue for Ed and pink for Julia and me that we wore home from the hospital when we were born. It was a bittersweet afternoon as we decided what pieces each of us would keep. We were closing Mom’s house and this was part of the process.
Closing down the family home can be a minefield of emotional and financial tension. For most people their home is the most valuable asset in their “portfolio”; it can become a battleground if families allow that to happen. I know of one family of siblings who split into factions. One group changed the locks on the family home so that the other group could not get into the house. Even though each sibling is legally entitled to a “share” of the home, several have walked away. They do not want to engage in a battle but they also no longer talk to their sisters and brothers. Three years later that house still stands, as it was when their mother died.
I am sure you can tell by now that I am a process person. So when we started to discuss how to handle Mom’s house and personal property, I had a plan. I cannot claim credit for the plan; I learned of it from my ex-husband’s family. They brought in a company that appraises everything, runs an estate/garage sale and arranges for anything not sold to be picked up by a charity such as the Salvation Army or Goodwill. This process was particularly helpful to Julia and me since we lived out of town and Mom had not moved or downsized in over 40 years. It was a big job and the professional were better equipped to handle it.
Our family added a couple of additional guidelines to this process. First, if we wanted anything that belonged to our parents, we had to put it on our list and “buy” it from the estate. That may strike you as odd at first, given that we were the sole heirs to our parent’s estate and that it was only a paper transaction. What this process avoids is the U-Haul effect. That is when one family member backs up a rental truck and clears out the house while others stand around in stunned disbelief. No one was allowed to take anything out of the house until it was agreed upon by all three of us.
When my brother declared he did not want any of the china, Julia and I paid him for it. We ended up at financial parity when the sorting process was complete and this procedure clearly revealed that fact. No one felt taken advantage of during what was a particularly difficult time to make decisions. Since we had already decided to bring in professionals to cost everything, this guideline was easy to implement.
It also helped us keep check on what we were taking home with us. We had furnished homes that had limited room for new “stuff”. While each of us had an emotional response to closing down Mom’s house, we needed to resist the urge to take her 1970’s macramé owl. Somehow knowing that we would have to “pay” $3.00 for it squelched the need to hang on to it.
I tease about the owl but I was surprised at my own response to letting go of my parent’s things. As I was walking out of the house the last time before the garage sale, I reached over and took a fruit platter off the wall. I was not particularly fond of the platter or even needed the platter but took it anyway. My sister has an identical story but she took a table. Thank goodness, I had no more room in car. I could see me shoving in the sofa in now.
The other guideline was no spouse or grandchildren were to be involved in the process. If they wanted something from the house, they were to discuss it with their spouse or parent who would then put the item on their list. Our goal was to avoid enlarging the group of potential negotiators. Plus we did not want comments such as “My husband thinks I should have this because I am the oldest, youngest, handsomest or smartest” to enter into the discussion. Those would be fighting words.
You and your family need a plan. I understand how ridged this sounds on the surface. Your first response is probably, “my family would never behave badly”. But I have personally heard multiple people say their family would never fight over money or personal property only to end up in a bitter battle when closing down the family home. Siblings that were thought to be easy going became intractable over mom’s quilt or dad’s ratchet set. Others were surprised to find that things just “disappeared “ from the family home. Sisters stopped talking to one another because they couldn't’t agree on whom got mom’s wedding rings. This can be avoided with a little forethought and planning.
Intentional living means taking the time to think about a situation and plan to maximize the opportunity for a positive outcome. I would love to hear about your personal experience with closing down the family home; also about how you handled the emotion behind doing so.
Hugs,
C