The Decision is Yours to Make

Posted: 11 years ago | By: Christine Somers | In: Family & Relationships | Read Time: 2 minutes, 35 seconds

When she put her head on the dinning room table, the entire family just stared at my mom. Finally, my son, Matthew said, “Grandmother are you okay?” No she wasn’t. My father had died three months earlier and this was her first holiday without him in over 50 years. She was struggling; we were all struggling. Dad’s funeral had been emotionally charged and strained my relationship with my brother and sister to the point of breaking. We all went home angry and unable to speak to one another for months. It was a sad and disappointing time.

I made the decision that when mom died it would be different. I know that sounds odd but it was absolutely necessary for me to think through what happened and consciously decide what my sister and brother meant to me. I guess that sounds even stranger. My father was the anchor of the family and held us together through sheer will. Even though we lived in different cities, lead different lives and at times didn’t have much in common, my father expected us to act as though we were still the same family unit we were growing.

I don’t agree with that philosophy. I believe family can have a special place but I also believe there has to be a mutual desire for a relationship and that relationship should be respectful. I have heard more than one of my friends long for a closer relationship with a sibling but just can’t get the other person to respond. That is unfortunate but both people need to be willing to engage.

With time I came to see that I did want a relationship with my sister and brother outside of my parents. I had to decide what I was willing to do to have the kind of relationship I wanted with them. I started with my sister. As adults, Julia and I have been closer than Ed and I. I shared with Julia my desire to maintain a positive relationship with her and my disappointment over what had happened at dad’s funeral. She too felt bad about the family breakdown and was eager to discuss some issues that could help us avoid another meltdown. It has been slower with my brother because we had a further distance to travel. But since mom’s death, I committed to calling him at least once a week and have been pleasantly surprised to receive chatty calls from him in return.

As we work to be intentional about our lives, our relationship with our family is a key element. We can craft unique and healthy relationships that bring out the best in one another. It is our choice. That is not say my sister is anymore organized than she was growing up or my brother will stick to the facts of a story just because he is an adult or that I will be any less bossy than I was when I was 10. It just means that we have chosen to honor our differences while finding common ground.
Hugs,
C